- Published: Thursday, 25 May 2017 16:31
Match report courtesy of Carndonagh Community School's chief football correspondent, Callum Harley (6th year)
It was announced last week that we had to see out the season with a final away game to St. Eunan's College. This was to be the end for the likes of The Captain, Leader, Warrior, Tosser, Spaltterer, one game wonder, Sam Tod...Candy Stripes hopeful Cathal Farren...Carrowmena’s future left back, the man who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going, Evan Tweed...The man, the myth, the monster. The people’s champion. The crusty roll eating, leg breaking, groin tearing, calf pulling, tooth aching, head splitting, fist throwing, Lee Cattermoling, roll buttering, sandwich making, legend of the game, Conor Browne...Tiernan Devine, the best thing ever to come out of the Isle of Doagh since…? I don’t know… nothing good ever came out of The Isle...Sea Rovers Under 14 top goalscorer, Joe Paddy Mor...The man who told use all he came up through the youth at Chelsea, the man who tells us all Lampard's better than Scholes (Nonsense son, nonsense!), John Downes...Finn Harps hero, Glengad wonderkid, number 7, heaven. He who only nets screamers, James McKinney...Carn FC’s kitman, Conor McGregor wannabe, Darragh Deery...Finally, most importantly, the Legend, the man who plays like the devil, but has a heart like God. Flexible, reliable, durable, semi-permeable, Callum Harley.
There have been rumours floating about camp that Mr. Cavanagh would be let go as manager at the end of the year. This was after the school noticed that Mr Paul Browne (Big Sam) managed to keep Carn floating, the team who was so low down the table at Christmas, their arses were touching Culdaff reserves in division 4.
ST. EUNAN'S 1-6 CARNDONAGH CS
The game started off very dull, with Carn having 1000 chances in the first half and failing to take any. It was a case of Cathal Farren not being able to hit a bull’s hind with a banjo. Eunan's took the led on the 25 minute when Lee McLaughlin thought he was John Stones, playing it out from the back, gave the ball away and the Eunan's forward stormed into the box...Sam lifted the poor man, giving away a penalty. The Eunan's no. 9 left ball and keeper in the back of the net, putting Eunan's 1-up. It is true what they say about Houghton - he couldn’t save money (even though he still has his Communion money!)
Second half started brighter. Legendary full-back Brendan Doherty was like Roadrunner out of Looney Tunes - bombed up the line, passing to McKinney who fell like a bag of spuds and managed to get a penalty. After 2 minutes of everyone trying to convince Sam NOT to take the penalty. Cathal stood up and finished it. McKinney then made it 2-1 with a volley from heaven. James Di Canio. Cathal got the next one and Cade said he got the next 2. Nobody was watching at that stage as they all lost interest and hope when Tiernan came on. Super-sub Jake Harkin (who looks like Peter Crouch, but plays like Peter Kay) was introduced. He wasn’t long on, until he silenced his critics and riffled home from an acute angle.
There were a couple of major talking points in the game. One being, why was Joe Paddymor starting? And where was part-time footballer, full-time patient Conor Browne at?
OVERALL SEASON RATINGS
DANIEL HOUGHTON - 8 - Very lucky to get the shout this year considering the quality of his number 2. Lost focus once he found love!
LEE MCLAUGHLIN - 6- Couldn’t pass a fish supper. A goalkeeper’s nightmare. Reminds me of Tony Hibbert, he couldn’t pass either. Side of the foot, knee over the ball, place it to your teammate's feet! Simple.
SAM TODD - 8- He was having the season of a lifetime. Top scoring defender, great tackles, he was playing well. Until…The semi-final…He went from playing like Stephen McLaughlin, to playing like Lee McLaughlin. He is good at finishing…his tuna salad. The man is in looove!
TIERNAN DEVINE - 4 - Does more diving-in than Tom Daley. New pair of boots for every game (pity he couldn’t get a new pair of feet). Will definitely get starting next year. Finished second last in the Ballyliffen Coastal Challenge due to fitness issues.
JAMES MCKINNEY - 8 - He is a deadly nice player. World class, TV football. 7 heaven. Touch like Velcro. Well rested after watching the Glengad All-Stars playing this year. Will be a great addition to Culdaff team next year.
EVAN TWEED - 7 - Never on time. Late for everything...especially tackles. His last goal was in an U8 blitz, played in Benduff, Ronan McCusker in nets.
KIERAN FARREN - 7 - Whatever Cathal does, do the opposite. Has more potential than Cathal.
FIONN MCCLURE - 6 - If you had him on your fantasy football team, you would more than likely sell him.
CATHAL FARREN - 8 - He’s a bit of a trickster. Can put the ball through your legs, but can’t put it into the net. He’s going to have a good career in Derry...working in Poundland.
MIKEY FRIEL - 7 - He's fast on the field, slow everywhere else. A forward is meant to score goals. Is this man a forward?
JOE PADDY MOR - 2 - Absolutely, definitely, 100%, the worst player on the pitch. Plays too much FIFA in the house.
CIARAN JIMMY ROE - 5 - Out injured with indigestion. Centra is naming the deli counter after him and putting a picture of his face in with the beans. Stick to Gaelic son.
OISIN HESSION - 6 - Probably still better than Tiernan, even with a broken collarbone.
CALLUM HARLEY - 9 - After seeing Houghton got the Player of the Year, he went outfield. Got the captaincy off Todd, who lost it after the semi-final display. Some say he is still wandering back from offside.
WEE COREY MCBRIDE - 7 - A bit of growing needed; 5 more foot in fact. He’s the best thing to come out of Nottingham Forest since Wes Morgan.
BRENDAN DOHERTY - 4 - Got his chance, lost his chance. Overshadowed by his brother Jack, who is a far better player.
JACK DOHERTY - 8 - Needs to take brother Brendan to the garden and show him how to play football. Great player.
DARRAGH DEERY - 3 - In my eyes, probably the only man worse than Tiernan. Might have a chance in Derry......Tech...peeling potatoes...for the canteen lady.
JAKE HARKIN - 5 - Selfish man. Should of squared to his captain. This will not be forgotten my son.
CADE COOKE - 0 - Selfish, greedy, useless. Not used to playing with quality center forwards. Should of squared the ball, but took it on himself. I wouldn’t even tell him when the game’s on next year.
JOHN DOWNES - 2.45 - Played a total of 2 minutes 45 seconds all year. Still played better than Tiernan.
JAMES MONAGLE - 0 - Who even is this person?
CONOR BROWNE - 4 - Where do I start? Since I started writing this report he has damaged his ligaments and pulled his groin. The key to Carn’s survival. An absolute terrier on the field. A civil, wise gentleman off it. If you would like to meet him personally, you will find him in Carndonagh Hospital, 9am to 9pm.
SEAMUS O’DONNELL - 10 - A real driving force. Is great at steering. Loves his coffee beans. Doesn’t have much interest in football. Still a better player than Tiernan.
MARTIN CAVANAGH - 8 - Cool, calm, collected. Lost only for Daniel Martin. Another man for his coffee. He reminds me of David Moyes. Happy retirement!
TONY BOYCE - 0 - Please don’t come back.